Wahey! Back on a roll! (probably jinxed it)
Quite like it. Little long, but makes up for all the shorts I've been writing of late.
14. Smile
"Write down one hundred reasons to smile." That was her 'homework' from today's session. Smiling was the first step to happiness apparently, and happiness was a step towards normality. Katie had thought about this on her way home, she hadn't smiled for a long time, she couldn't even remember what the last thing to make her smile was. She sat at the back of the bus and looked around. The dreary bus didn't make her smile; the bawling child at the front didn't either. The trees looked bare outside and the skies were murky grey.
Her boyfriend Elliot greeted her with a kiss, rubbing a towel in his hands. Katie could smell food coming from their kitchen, sweet spices of a chilli bubbling away and vanilla wafted about from a custard dish. He always made an effort when she came home from counselling; cooking a meal, attending to her needs, glass of wine ready. Katie took the wine and sipped at it, "this should be making me smile, I should be smiling." She thought loudly in her head.
Elliot talked about his job today, what happened, amusing stories of banter with colleagues and Katie felt her self smiling and talking back with him but it didn't feel right, her muscles in her face were just contorting to what Elliot wanted to see, her smiling. He grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes, "it's good to see you smiling again, I've always loved your smile." Katie nodded with another facial twitch that pleased him. She took a gulp of wine.
"Speaking of, I have to write a list." Elliot raised his eye brows in a sign of continuance. "100 things that make me smile." Elliot nodded and drank a little.
"Hopefully I'll be at the top of the list then?" He winked and smiled a wide smile; Katie felt like he was almost mocking her.
"Only if I get dessert," her facial muscles contorted and Elliot was up on his feet, clearing the dinner plates away, bustling himself into the kitchen, getting on with his custard dish. Katie sipped at her drink again. "I should be smiling." She tried hard to feel happy when he brought the custard desert out, really tried to feel this emotion, but in honesty she felt nothing. The food was bland in her mouth, she could guess it was hot and that vanilla was used but other than that it was just wobbly yellow custard with tasteless raspberries and un sweet sugar. Elliot cleared the dishes away and began to wash up, Katie made herself a cup of tea and set out a cup for Elliot.
"Just going to go write this list," she said, slinking away from the kitchen. He nodded, looking at the dish water. Katie knew that he knew she wasn't happy, but neither would say anything for a while. She sat at the dining table, pad and pen in front of her but untouched for an hour. Elliot kissed the top of her head half an hour in, said something about going for a run, don't wait up for him. He went running when things weren't right, he'd come back refreshed and ready to tackle his depressive girlfriend again.
He came back and she'd fallen asleep on her arms on the table, a furrowed frown on her face as she slept. Even in sleep she can't smile he thought. He glanced at the paper, his name wasn't there, she'd written the date, the title and numbers 1 to 20 down the side. There were stuttered dots one number 1 where she'd tried to write something. He kissed the top of her head again and almost for a second he saw a smile in her sleeping face before it slipped back to nothing. "I'm going to bed, you coming?" He whispered in her ear, she stirred, nodded and fell back asleep. "Thought so," he draped his jacket around her shoulders and went to bed.
This list made its rounds round the house, it stayed on the dining table for three days, mail, junk, bowls, boards and assorted house hold rubbish began to lie on top of it before Katie rescued it one afternoon while cleaning. She ripped the page out, folded it a few times and it lived in her jeans pocket for a day and a half.
Elliot saved it from her pocket when he did the washing. He unfolded it, read the nothingness, and pinned it to the kitchen notice board where it stayed, a bill covered half of it in the end and Katie scribbled a phone number down on it in a rush for paper.
It was Wednesday again, Elliot was back to his usual self, promising lamb chops with minted peas and an Eton mess for tea. He kissed Katie good bye and sped off to work in the morning, smiling that wide smile, was he mocking her? Katie busied herself with chores until she had to catch the bus again for her session, when it dawned on her; the list!
She ripped it from the notice board, a takeaway menu and notes covering it completely. Somehow it had a orange splatter on one corner and a phone number scribble. It looked a right mess. But it would do, she was already running late. She grabbed keys, coat, bag, paper and dashed out the door, down the road and to the stop. The bus wasn't there. It should be there it was due any time now. She might have missed it. An old man was at the stop with her.
"Has it been?" She asked him.
"The 12? No, not yet, running late I think." She thanked him and carried on looking down the road. "Cheer up lass," Katie's eyes bulged out of her head and she was about to rant at this man for being so rude when something stopped her. She studied the man; he was dressed in beiges and browns. He wore a bulky cardigan and flat cap perched on his head. In his hands were a bunch of sad looking flowers and a card.
"Who are they for?" She asked, sitting beside him now.
"My wife," He replied, slightly proud sounding.
"Oh I'm sorry for your loss-" The man laughed a little wheezy laugh.
" She ain't dead lass, in a nursing home up route, it's her birthday today. I visit every week but today I thought I'd push the boat out a little." He smiled, clenching the flowers a little harder. "She won't be bothered mind, dementia and all that. Nothing makes her smile anymore, there was a glint in her eyes a good few month back when I played the radio, now not so much as a little grin. She's gone." He looked sadly down at the flowers and Katie felt a hard scratching lump in her throat. She wanted to burst into loud wailing tears, hug the man and tell him everything will be okay. "Here now, bus is here." He got to his feet and waved it down. He smiled a wide smile to Katie and got on, sitting at the front. Katie paid and sat down next to him.
They didn't talk for the entire journey. Just sat like two passengers on a bus. The man pressed the button for the bell. "Wish your wife a happy birthday from me," Katie said to him. The man nodded and smiled again. "How do you smile like that?" she quizzed him.
"Well, one of us has got to smile. She can't, so I'll smile for the both of us." He nodded his head to her, smiled a final time and got off the bus.
Katie felt numb for a second, she had wanted an epiphany, loud trumpets, a chorus and for the grey clouds to part to reveal warm sunshine and colours. She sighed and leant back on the seat, looking out the window. Her phone buzzed noisily in her pocket, waking her from her mood.
From: Smelliot
love you hun :) x
Katie rang him back immediately.
"I'm not happy. I never am, I fake my smiles and hate myself for it. You never ask how I'm feeling and I love you for that because I don't have to lie to you. I'm trying, I really am, I'm trying to smile again, but it's taking longer than I thought. So I was wondering if you could do me a favour?"
"Anything."
"Could you smile for me too? Smile for the both of us?" She heard Elliot chuckle down the phone.
"Course I can." She could feel him smiling down the phone.
"So, I'll see you tonight?" She asked, hopeful for the first time in months.
"Yep, love you."
"Love you too." He hung up on her but she kept the phone to her ear a little longer, in shock. Her cheeks ached, and her lips felt dry, but there she was, smiling.
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